Old Emmanuel 2nd XV 12 - 22 OC’s

OC’s keep their heads to down Old Emanuel 2nd in ferocious ‘friendly’

With Reeds Weybridge 2nd XV crying off early in the week, the Fixture Secretary earned his corn by hastily arranging a away friendly with Old Emanuel 2nd XV instead. With the rumour sweeping through the team like wildfire that we were playing a team two whole leagues above (no mention that they were yet to win a match this season), this would surely provide the acid test that the OCs wanted after a couple of easy wins. On arrival, first impressions were not good. The opposition were running through their drills with gusto, intermittently stopping to get in team huddles, no doubt planning who make the first head-high swinging-arm tackle of the match. As befitting a Cliftonian sporting outfit, all of the OC’s milled around outside, passing the time of day rather than getting focussed on the job in hand. All except the Thompson brothers, stuck on the A3, and Mr Turner, who, in transit, came up with a novel and quite frankly sorry excuse of moulding his new gumshield for his tardy arrival. Fortunately, he redeemed himself later on, but more of this later.

With just over 10 minutes to go before kick off, the OC’s got down to the serious business of some gentle stretches and some backs moves and line out practice. As ever, the shrill whistle from the referee came too soon for our preparation to be complete, and we set out on the business in hand, to give Old Emanuel a jolly good thrashing.

With regard to our referee, he was lauded as being a real high flyer in the cut-throat world of Surrey League rugby officialdom. It was this correspondent’s opinion that he looked a little bit too much like the old Tory fascist politician Norman Tebbit, perhaps without the violently racist right-wing views but probably with a similar ability to referee. Someone told us that as he was being assessed and ‘would probably be pretty strict in all areas of play’ (© J Galaun). With hindsight, not one of the more accurate sentences that have passed his lips.

With a surfeit of back-row staff on duty, it was decided through straw poll that Don Dewerson and Si P-W had the requisite wheels to fill the gap left by departing star centre Euan Kenworthy who had decided to go and live the dream in the bright lights of Richmond RFC. Paul Kellett moved in from the wing, realising his aim to see more of the ball.

Within 5 minutes, it was fairly apparent that it was war zone out there. The opposition set about trying to dismantle the OC’s with an in-your-face around-your-neck leading-forearm approach that gained its first victim in Oli Thompson, who after a couple of good incisive runs, was hauled down by his neck, not once, but twice. Being well over six-foot, this was indeed a physical feat of some achievement by the opposition and indicated that no one was safe. By this stage, the OC’s were 5-0 thanks to a well-worked back’s move that culminated with Paul Kellett striding over. Soon after, yet another penalty was conceded by the opposition for dangerous play. Captain for the day Chris Simmons, (donning and therefore christening the ‘Les Chausettes d’Or’ (the Golden Socks) for winning the Man of Match for the previous game for his unselfish support play which yielded him 5 tries) sent a dreamy touch-finder yards from opposition line that would have England kicking guru Dave Aldred drooling. A perfect throw from Steve Hartland, a salmon-type leap and catch from James Thompson, and the forwards were rumbling towards the hapless (and increasingly frustrated) opposition line.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. At the back of this unstoppable impregnable Roman-infantry style maul waited Mr Alistair Turner. Whether he was primed a la Neil Back to finish off the rolling maul, or simply having a sly breather, we will never know. What we do know is that he rumbled over to make the score 10-0. It was only his second try for the OC’s (the first one mysteriously missing from the annals) and one that he was immensely proud of, having phoned up everyone he knew afterwards to tell about in great detail.

Back came Old Emanuel, taking a break from trying to maim anyone in a blue shirt by playing some good stuff, culminating with a penalty try being awarded after Greg Kris hanging on perhaps a bit too long to the opposition scrum half who fell theatrically after kicking the ball over the try line. Conversion made, 10-7, game on.

It was at this stage that Old Emanuel’s ‘rugged’ approach claimed it’s first victim, as after receiving his third high tackle of the game within 20 minutes, Oli Thompson was finally laid low. It looked like the curse of the OC’s had struck again, as for the third time in four games, a serious injury had been sustained. As with all neck injuries, the worry was that Oli was in big trouble. Fortunately, at the time of writing, he has recovered. After a break of 40 odd minutes where Oli was taken off in an ambulance and the rest of the OC’s plotted revenge, Mr Tebbit restarted the game … with a scrum. No official action had been taken against the perpetrator (sporting a ridiculous blonde mullet not seen since Status Quo were in their pomp and still allowed on Top of the Pops) which raised the temperature up a few notches.

Without any substitutes to come on and the game finely balanced at 10-7, things looked bleak for the OC’s. Fortunately, the opposition captain graciously (considering one of his own players caused such a bad injury) allowed the OC’s one of their players. Biting the hand that fed him, this speedy right-winger was responsible for the next two OC scores, crossing for one try and earning us a penalty try after being obstructed from fielding his own kick - 22-7 to the OC’s at the turn around.

It would be fair to say that for generations to come, Simmo’s half-time pep talk will be mentioned in the same breath as Henry V before Agincourt or Churchill before the Battle of Britain. All 14 OC’s and the 1 ringer were suitably inspired, donned their tin hats and got ready for a second half in the trenches, playing uphill, into the rain against a bunch of large, enraged, violent wankers, with our only protection coming from a myopic referee who made Mr Magoo look spatially aware.

This was manifested by the running discussion between Gor and the referee throughout the 2nd half. Mr Tebbit continuously penalised him for falling on the ball as it popped out of rucks, and at one point had a 5-minute chat with him, simply calling him 'Jones'. Chatting in the bar afterwards, Gor challenged Mr Tebbit in front of the his assessor and 2 other referees and said, "lets ask these guys if they agree with you". Result – major egg on his face as everyone agreed with Mr Tebbit and the assessor pointed out it probably should have been a yellow card, which sent Gor scuttling off with tail firmly clenched between two ginger-haired buttocks.

The only worthwhile action worth noting is that thanks to some terrific defence (at one stage, Steve Hartland took the ball into 5 consecutive rucks), Old Emanuel managed to score one more try, and even that was subject to controversy as George Thornhill and Matt Boardman quite clearly held the ball up. A couple of major bounces on Tom D-W and Si P-W (the latter dragging himself to the sideline using just his arms which caused a welcome break of mirth to the general violence) was the sum total of the Old Emanuel effort, and when the referee blew for time, the OC’s had won the day, 22-12.

In all, a great team performance. The forwards vanquished a larger and seemingly more powerful pack, and the backs put some great moves together despite the appalling weather conditions. Matt Boardman brought much needed safety and attacking threat from fullback, Chris Parkinson/The Ringer/Si P-W/Don D battled valiantly against the maniacal opposition and the elements, especially the back rowers who acquitted themselves superbly. Special mention should go to Paul Kellett who was awesome in the centre role, breaking the line time and again. Simmo led the team superbly, dovetailing superb with Gor, when he wasn’t chatting away merrily with the referee. The front row of Greg Kris, Steve Hartland and Ali Turner (scorer of the 2nd try) scrummaged awesomely against a much heavier front row and were over the pitch. Josh Galaun and James Thompson arguably gave the best lineout display this season, and again formed part of a ferocious rucking unit. The back row of Oli Thompson, George Thornhill, Tom D-W, Si P-W and Don D eclipsed the opposition and set up attacking platforms time and again. A massive pat on the back for all concerned. Just one question – who will be wearing the Golden Socks for the next game?

Tom DW